fun & humor : "how-to" instructions

how to wrap presents with a cat

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, then close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. To determine your wrapping strategy, lay out present and wrapping materials on table.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Spread out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came from.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
18. To hold paper in place, place object on paper and then cut transparent sticky tape.
19. Using a pair of nail scissors, spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat.
20. Seal paper with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and spread out packing materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and re-lock door.
31. Spread out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best.)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper, and start repairs by carefully taping tears with transparent sticky tape. Then tie with ribbon, adding bows to hide the most damaged areas.
33. Label present, then sit back to admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making the best of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and head to kitchen to make yourself a drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat before coming to obvious conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box, and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat, and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
38. When handing over present, smile sweetly at recipient as they try to hide their contempt at being handed such a badly-wrapped present.
39. Swear to yourself that next time, you'll get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.